Sunday, March 9, 2014

Does Exceptional Food Choices Help in the Romance Opportunities?

Man, but that is something that I think everyone knows is true.  Unless you look like George Clooney, taking a young maiden to McDonald's won't get a guy in the sack with her the way taking her to a sumptuous feast with a bit higher quality comestibles.  Of course the old adage for the ladies, "the way to a man's heart is through his stomach." may not be exactly true anymore since the popularity of fast food is at such an all time high and leads me to believe that men, and for that matter most Americans, are well adapted to that cuisine and anything but food from the gilded breasts may not give one any sort of an edge on the romance front.  Sad but true.  Well, that is forgetting the application of alcohol.  Never underestimate the bottle of Jack to pour into her cola to get the inhibitions lowered and the amorous activities beginning.  But most of my initial dalliances with the fairer sex have been possible only because of my abilities in the kitchen.  And of course just like the nerd in the movie of their namesake, once there, keeping them around is dependent on your ability to remember the stuff learned in sex ed.  Contrary to popular mythology, watching porn doesn't really give a man any greater prowess and only exacerbates unbelievably high expectations.

There does seem to be quite the conundrum then.  Certainly when in my youth, at the height of the sexual revolution and those summers of love; I failed miserably.  Once I learned how to cook, then the tides turned and my amorous encounters increased.  Well, of course I also attribute much of that to just hormonal attraction.  But as I got older, and divested myself of the constraints of one wonderful marriage and one suffocating and miserable one; things got better for me.  Even considering an overall weight gain of a hundred pounds, loss of a lot of hair, and just general increase in age, my overall ability to please gained respectable numbers.  And to that, I attribute cuisine.

So discounting the activities of very youthful endeavors, my first real relationship with the fairer sex began with me providing proper foods for her.  She was interested to begin with, but feeding her wild rice and mushroom stuffed Cornish game hens with asparagus and chocolate lava cake only afforded me the opportunity to move in with her. Sadly, I was a drunk at the time and the roommate situation lasted a total of 2 days.  But on the bright side, I did not take a sip of alcohol for nearly twenty years after that day.  She must have had a profound effect on me.  However my enjoyment of food, and of the fairer sex only became greater as time moved forward.  My first wife helped by eating most everything I attempted to cook.  And of course, down the road she agreed I should go to culinary school to improve those abilities.  Whether is was for self preservation or genuine desire for my improvement I will never know.  But I went, I cooked, I got better, and I enjoyed it immensely.  After 7 years with my second wife, who dutifully informed me that the only things she would consume were to be pork carnitas, beans and tortillas and boxed rice; I once again was free to enjoy the favors of fair maidens, and to pursue my culinary dreams.
Being a vegetarian sort of limits what I can eat, however it never seemed to matter to any of the young maidens that came into my lair to enjoy the fine sustenance I provided.  Whether it was something like the above Mahi Mahi that was blackened with Southwestern spices and served with a fresh made pineapple and mango salsa and a citrus jalapeno sour cream garnish; or the remarkably simple pizzas of which I have in my lifetime made literally hundreds of thousands.  ( I managed a pizza parlor in the late seventies )  Those two examples sitting in front of my dear friend Key are whole wheat crusted (of course) with sherried mushrooms and onions with sun dried tomatoes, and the other is a simple one with goat cheese and Kalamata olives.  A little fine wine, some excellent and attentive conversation, and the desired results can be achieved.
One should never be afraid to experiment with combining differing cuisines.  It can be fun, and gives your intended partner the idea that you can be inventive, open to trying new things.  These were part of my occasional dalliance into the world of meat after a St. Patricks day feast of corned beef and cabbage.  The leftovers went into fire roasted Pablano chilies with whole grain beer mustard and horseradish cream on them.  One of the strangest things I did was at a class at my store in Austin.  Even I think it was strange, however it was delightfully delicious and in fact got me into a rather amorous encounter with one of the attendees of the class that eve.  Actually the first time I had sex in my store.  It was the most unique fusion of differing worlds ever, and to this day, I believe it should be a hit anywhere and with anyone trying it.  I cooked some short grain brown rice (of course brown) with red chili and garlic and then cooled it down and mixed in some rice vinegar.  I cooked a pork roast in the pressure cooker with coffee, cumin and red chili powder and beer.  Then shredded it when cool.  I took some nori and toasted them a bit and rolled Mexican sushi using the nori, Spanish rice, pork, avocado slices and goat cheese.  I then put out some small dishes with chipotle puree and some green taco sauce to dip the sushi into.  Wow, it was mighty tasty, and the end result was unexpected.

This somewhat blurry picture is of a large scallop shell filled with bay scallops seared and then tossed with a chipotle and ponzu sauce with sliced scallions and a couple dry cured olives.  Sounds weird, but mighty tasty and, well, you know.  This young maiden actually moved in with me for a while.  Unfortunately I was not in the best of health and our dalliance was short lived, as was my desire to continue to impress her with a unique and varied cuisine.  (She was needy needy needy needy)  And at that time, so was I.  ER visits, hospital stays, and crap sort of kept me from catering (literally) to her every need.  Plus, the old adage about how sometimes and with some women (and or things) having is not nearly as pleasurable as wanting.  So true in this case.  Hmmm, I think that Spock said that about his intended bride to the man she chose as a mate instead of Spock.  Strange, that makes two, no, actually three women of which I could say that. 

Anyway, back to the premise of this entirely selfishly written piece of fluff that I began writing in the middle of the night because I'm sick, coughing and can't sleep; does great food help entice women into the bedroom.  Or onto a desk in the backroom of your store.  I personally will testify that yes it will.  However, and this is a big one, you have to have some cooth and a bit of class along with a little conversational ability to get that person to the point where you can impress them with your abilities.  You do have to get them there first.  Well, unless you're rich.  Or George Clooney. 

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